Relationships and Exchange Theory

I learned something new this week called Exchange Theory. It's a social psychology theory based on how we as people choose our relationships and who we spend all our time with. In every relationship there's a little give and take, whether that relationship is family, friends or spouses, you either get something out of a relationship, or you don't, and that's everything exchange theory is based on. Exchange theorists suggest there is a cost and reward to every relationship, the cost being any kind of effort you put into a relationship and the reward being what you get. If the cost ends up outweighing the reward, the relationship will suffer.

While learning about this theory I couldn't help but look back on past relationships that I have had. The friendships and other relationships that have failed for me in the past, I realized all had something in common, the cost far outweighed the reward, or the effort that I was putting into the relationship wasn't being reciprocated and that lead to the end of the relationship.

The best relationship I have ever had is with my sister. Even though we haven't lived in the same city for longer than a couple months since she was 17 and I was 14, I know I can always go to her for anything and she will be there. We talk almost every day, through text, snapchat, and tagging each other in memes on facebook. Of course, there are many days that we don't talk, when one or even both of us are too busy because we simply both have our own lives. But it's not so much the constant communication that keeps us so close, whether we realize it or not, it's the equal effort that both of us are willing to put into the relationship.

I have had friends in the past that made being with them exhausting. I was putting in more effort than they were, always being the one to make plans, to call them, to see how they were doing, and it can be tiresome and slightly hurtful. Take this example, if you were working on a project for work and you spent hours every day for months putting in the effort to make this project awesome, you would expect some type of reward wouldn't you? If you were to get no reward or recognition for all the work you put into this project you would feel defeated, almost like you wasted your time for nothing.

We are built in a way that we need to feel valued, and if we aren't feeling valued in a relationship why would we want to be around that person? Unknowingly I've learned a lot about exchange theory recently and how it affects my life. Spending most of my life dealing with anxiety, I've struggled a lot with feeling like I'm a burden to the people around me. But in some of the best and lasting relationships I've ever had, the other person has never once made me feel that way. I love and appreciate those people more than words could say because I never have to wonder or worry (which I do way too much) if I am actually important to them. I know I am by how they show it and by the effort they put into our relationship.

Exchange theory can explain a lot about relationships and family life, of course it doesn't explain everything (it is just a theory after all) but it gives us a valuable insight. When choosing someone to marry and spend the rest of our lives with, of course, we would gravitate toward someone that made us feel valued and someone we know would put in the same amount of effort as we would. For any relationship to work there needs to be effort on both sides. of course this isn't new information but the amount of effort is different for everyone, one persons perception of how much effort is needed could be completely different for someone else, who expects or gives more effort, and vice-versa.

There are many reasons we may choose to spend time with someone and this theory is certainly just one of them, but knowing what we expect from a relationship and also how to communicate our expectations can only benefit everyone involved.